Just when I thought Joffrey couldn’t be any more evil than he already is, he breaks the mold yet again. Joffrey Lannister (I refuse to call him Baratheon) is easily the most disgusting, vile, awful character on TV. I know everyone hates Ellis from Smash, but while Ellis is like a stink bug that every time you flick off your window screen August it just comes right back to annoy you, Ellis is 20,000 more tolerable than Joffrey (and that’s saying A LOT.) Ellis isn’t evil, he’s just a stink bug. Joffrey, is down right evil. At first I wanted to beat him through my TV screen for wanting to beat and humiliate Sansa because of her brother’s actions. I couldn’t understand why he was doing this to Sansa when it’s Robb he has the problem with. Then I realized, it’s not uncommon to “send a message” through your enemy’s family instead of the enemy himself. In many cases, that’s actually the best way to get your point across and have your enemy pay attention to you. It’s cruel, but it works. So that’s what Joffrey was doing here…the little shit. Luckily for Sansa, his Uncle Tyrion comes storming in insisting that this torture stop. “She is to be your Queen!” he scolds at his nephew. I love how Tyrion can make the King look so small and weak with just some simple obvious statements. As well as put the King’s minions in their place when they ask stupid questions….”Are you threatening the king?” Minion #1 asks. “No I’m simply teaching my nephew a lesson. The next time he speaks, kill him. That was a threat. See the difference?” I think I am going to make up t-shirts that say “I love Peter Dinklage/Tyrion Lannister.” Tyrion believes his nephew’s violent ways are the result of sexual frustration so he decides to send him two prostitutes to help him get all that anger out of his system. When Joffrey realizes it was his uncle who sent the girls, he decides to go in another direction. Instead of having sex with the girls, he would rather torture and beat them. Or rather, have the one girl beat the other while aiming a cross-bow at her threatening her life if she doesn’t do what he says. What a nice young man he’s become. Cersei must be so proud.
From one disturbing story to another, let’s talk about what the hell crawled out of Melisandre’s vajay-jay shall we? Well before we get to that, let’s back up a smidge. Renly and Stannis Baratheon have met up with one another on a very windy and rock hillside. But they don’t have a Sam and Dean type of reunion, instead it’s more like Cain and Abel. These two are driving me crazy and I’m not the only one. Catelyn is also annoyed by them. Basically both Renly and Stannis want the Lannisters defeated. Easy enough. The problem is, they both want the throne. Here’s my suggestion….why not band together now to defeat the Lannisters and everyone else who wants a shot at the throne, and then you two can battle it out after that. Don’t they realize that they can’t be the only people wanting to take over King’s Landing? Sheesh. Men. I’ll give Stannis credit for at least trying to throw a compromise out there. Granted it was something that really only suited him, but give the man props for trying. Meanwhile Renly’s acting like Kat from A League of Their Own. But enough of those two.
To solidify his place on the throne (if he ever gets there of course) the god of light’s spokesperson has told him that he needs an heir. So last week, Stannis threw Melisandre down on that massive map and had his way with her. Flash to this week and Davos is taking Meli to a cave where she promises to reveal what she looks like underneath her cloak. Little ho bag that Meli is. Well, not only does she drop her cloak to reveal, everything, but we see her VERY pregnant belly that has something rather large moving around inside it. Wait, didn’t they have sex just last week? I know it’s last week in our time but how long has it been in GoT time? It certainly hasn’t been nine months! Anyhoo, Meli starts her breathing and pushing (I wonder when she had time for a lamaze class) and the next thing you know this black, slick, creepy, thing pushes his or her way out and stands before her. It’s like the smoke monster meets the creature from the black lagoon. I hope Davos was registered at Pottery Barn to he can get the little tyke something special. But seriously what the hell was that? At the end of the scene my husband and I slowly turned towards one another with our jaws dropped and shoulders shrugged. Between the dragons and the comet and now this….I love this show!!
On the battlefield, Robb Stark is killing his way right to Kings Landing. After the latest battle, it was pretty bloody and violent. Lots of casualties, including the foot of a civilian. Robb meets a young woman named Talissa (I think) and was quite smitten with her. Because really, what’s more conducive to romance than watching someone chop off someone’s foot with a hacksaw. For some men it’s lacy lingerie. For Robb Stark, amputation. He tries to find out more about her but she blows him off because if it wasn’t for him, so many lives wouldn’t be destroyed. That’s always the ultimate fight when it comes down to people who are for war or against it. The people against it say it’s too many innocent lives lost for no purpose or not enough payout. The people for it say it’s a necessary means to an end that will result in a better way of life for all citizens and that the people who volunteer to help, know the risk going in. You can see both sides. But I have to believe that won’t be the last we see of her. Especially since Robb was giving her the sexy eyes as she was leaving in the back of a wagon.
My girl Dani has finally reach a city, Qarth, where she and the other Dothraki’s can finally shower and get something to eat. Boy they must stink to high heaven! She is met by the leader of the thirteen who kindly welcomes her but will only allow her entrance if he can see the dragons. Dani does her best to keep the dragons sleeping in their crates and as a result, the thirteen rescind their invitation. She goes to push for entrance and Mormont warns her to be careful how she handles this. So she proceeds to threaten to burn their city and all of them if they don’t let them in. Something tells me that’s not the approach Mormont meant when he said be careful how you handle this. But it worked. A gentleman from the thirteen emerges and vouches for Dani and her crew. He solidifies his promise by slicing his hand with a dagger and showing it to the rest of his troops. I must say I would be slightly concerned if someone I never met promised to vouch for me and that the way his people believe his promise is after he slices his hand with a Ginsu knife. I would definitely sleep with my eyes open. But the doors open and they are led into what appears to be the beautiful city of Qarth.
In Harrnehal, the Night Watch recruits are being tortured and killed one by one. Arya is about to watch her friend Gendry get eaten by a rat while set on fire just when Superman arrives! Well not really it’s actually Tywin Lannister that stops the nonsense. He tells his vipers that there is more value to these people alive than dead. He instructs them to put all the recruits to work because they are free labor. He wants them all put to work, except for the young girl. One of Lannister’s idiots tries to convince him it’s a boy but Lannister isn’t fooled. He spots her immediately and takes her in as his personal assistant of some kind. I guess that’s going to keep her safe for the time being….that is until he discovers she’s Ned Stark’s daughter. Here’s my question though. I thought all the Night Watch recruits were people everyone in the seven kingdoms supported because they fight for all their freedoms on the Wall. So if that’s the case, then why are Lannister’s men capturing, torturing, and killing them all? I know their initial mission was on asshole Joffrey’s orders to kill all of Robert’s bastard children and there was a bastard in the mix of recruits. But they should have believed that they got their man when Arya pointed out “Gendry” dead on the ground near the skull helmet. So if the mission was complete, why kill all the other recruits? The Lannisters suck. Well, all of them except Tyrion and right now I’m giving a slight pass to Tywin.
What are your thoughts on the new season of GoT? I must admit, it’s much easier when you have a better understand of who everyone is, where they come from, and what their goals are. But for the love of all that’s good, can someone please name their kid Mike or Amy. Please. I’m begging you. At least we have a Robb and a John. More of that would be lovely.